Should've. Would've. Could've.

" I should've  been done already"

" I could've been done long time ago"

" I would've been a Nurse by now" 

Do you know how often I beat myself up about this? How long I've been chasing this dream, trying to make it my reality! And for goodness sake my a husband reality as well. Since Roger and I dated back in our second year of college, he saw me striving towards this dream. Half of the time skipping out on class to roam the courtyard with him, so in love, but so stupid. That was 7 years ago, maybe longer and still my dream has not come true. Have I gotten closer to pursuing it? In my opinion, not at all. Of course others may not see not if that way. 

To be honest, my grades didn't stand a chance at applying to nursing school. I couldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. After  I had no other way into the hospital environment besides taking something that was in the health field. That was obtaining my phlebotomy certification at 8 mints pregnant. After the two dead beat jobs I held down once I moved here from New York, I had to do something other than shuffle around paper. Shuffling around paper in New York made me close to 35,000 a year right out of college as a receptionist.  In North Carolina, please, forget about it. So at 8 months preggers with Gabi, I completed a phlebotomy course and I've been at Rex ever since. So this now got me in the door. It's given me a better insight to the logistics to the medical field, and I so want in now more than ever. Only, I'm starting from scratch practically, at 29 with a newborn, a toddler, husband and a home to maintain, not to mention the growing loans that keep accruing!

I can't help but beat myself up once on a while for not being a nurse by now. That was up until Monday after a very log walk  with my kids.  The thing is, I always looked at how much time I wasted, and his i would be 30 next year. Then when looked at these faces! 

I realized that I still had their whole lives ahead of me. I can totally forget about how much time I've wasted, but how much I now how to invest in their well being.  Becoming a nurse will give me not only the financial stability, but also the time with my kids working 3 days a week.  Most importantly, I will feel complete because I'm where I'm supposed to be. Drawing blood don't get me wrong is good experience, but I want and can do SO much more. I can't see my self settling for what I know I'm not meant to do.  I truly believe that The Lord gave me this job to open my eyes and also to give me something under my belt.     At this point it's what I need with the responsibilities that I now have. I'm in a student pool where some have no responsibilities, brainiacs, or those like me that have some experience. I'm hoping this takes me along the way and allows me to be more confident  during clinically, etc. 

I wrote all of this to one day, when I'm finished to look back and read this post. To be able to tell myself, see Jocelyn you did it. You never have up and now you can enjoy your kids, your new career and  take Roger on a very long vacation for putting up with baths, diner, bedtime and his alone time while I was out making it happen. Trust me, my first check deposited as a nurse will be on all four of us, with my sisters and her family in tow. I know for sure that I won't be able to complete this without their help as well.