It gets better, right?

It hasn't been a whole week yet, and I feel like I can write a book! I've gleamed about my two weeks with Roger, however that may not be the case for this week.  What's different your wondering besides Roger not being home with me? Well for starters our schedules have changed when it comes to the care of Braxton. From 12:30 am on, Braxton is all mine. It all started this Sunday in preparation for Rogers work day Monday. It was absolutly horrible! Braxton stayed up from 12:30 midnight until around 4. Yes four in the morning. I fed him, rocked him, sat him down, made him cry it out, burped him and burped him some more.  Everything you can think of, I did. I felt so defeated for not knowing what to do with my baby. Was it going to be like this forever. I refused to wake Roger because I felt it wasn't fare for him to be up early having  to go to work and all. 

The hormones and the devil himself was working on me. I began to think of how Gabrielle has been acting out both good and bad just for attention. I began to think of how I failed her as a mom for not spending adequate enough time with her. I began to cry for my mom. It was just terrible. Braxton fed EVERY half hour and the bond I always felt when he latched had disappeared. It was a feeling I wish never returns because I just did not want him on me. This was weird. Was this the beginning of postpartum depression, baby blues?

I cried, Braxton cried some more and I was just thinking, this is what my summer is going to be like.  I finally broke down and went to the third floor, needing Roger in the worst way.  I just stood over him as he slept, tears running down my face, nose, one boob out the other hiding to stay behind my nursing bra due to the soreness.  Roger awoke histerical asking me why didn't I wake him earlier. Nothing came out of my mouth. I just handed him over and walked away to the bathroom, closed the door and cried some more on the bathtub with my head buried between my head. What was I doing wrong! Before this day I had it all under control, why today when i'm supposed to have it under control, I lose control. 

I finally pulled myself together after saying  a quick prayer. And guess whose sleeping, Braxton! Roger rubs me on my back and sends me to bed. And my morning began in less than 2 hours. 

Monday: Roger awoke me with a ready to eat Braxton, but offered for me to get the things I needed to get done first. Without saying a word I bypassed them both, taking the opportunity to wash.  I quickly realized that it might my last shower until he comes home. My showers for the past two weeks had consisted of 4 a day. I hated the mere thought of him latching on to a sweaty boob, so this shower was IMPORTANT! Getting back down stairs at 6:30 I decided to pump because Braxton went back to sleep. I'm not sure what my husband does, but I wish I had his special sleeping powers. Going on 7, the hubs left the house and there it began. I ate quitly but quickly to try and get a nap before both kids got up and low and behold, those plans were out the window. 

Gabrielle was ready for her  breakfast and so was Braxton. I learned that you can do a lot with one hand that day. I made her breakfast while Braxton and I held on to each other for dear life. The majority of the day was spent with me working off of two hours of sleep.  When Roger called to check in and  I barely wanted to hear his voice. To be honest, I felt abandoned, stressed, scared and felt like everything was all me.  The majority of the day was spent with me trying to please both kids, making sure Gabrielle napped, that I pumped at least 3 times that day, defrosted an prepared food for the grill, and tried to nap myself. One things for sure, Braxton finally stayed up for a while, just like he did earlier. I was conviced that he thought I was around for feeding and daddy for sleeping. Around 3:30, I had an extreme urge to clean as I always do when I know Roger is comin home or that we will be out all day.  It's something about coming home to a clean house that can  be appreciated. Its also a big pet pev of mine.

 Remarkably I was able able to get it done, Gabrielle bathed, Braxton changed and time to spare before he got home. I still didn't have much to say, but on the inside  I was beaming. I know that I felt and looked like crap, but my baby dropped his belonging and held me SO tight and whispered the sweetest things that I needed to hear, it was just what I needed. One part that I will share is that he assured me that we were in this together and for me not to feel like I was doing this on my own. And of course I already knew that, how "on my own" could I have been with a three week old and the first day of him being back to work! The trick of the enemy and hormones will have you thinking just that. Not to mention running on two hours of sleep.  We both simultaneously showered, ate, skipped out on our show that we've been following on net flix and I went straight to bed at 7:30, sunlight and all. Of course, I awoke for Braxton's 9:30 and 12:30 feedings.  Later on that early morning, while Braxton was up, I met with The Lord and its been good ever since. 

Tuesday to be continued, take a break because I know this was one heck of a post!