A problem of mine, well I'm not really sure if it's a problem or not, but I never like to put myself in situations that I know I cant handle, espeically on the financial side. We moved to North Carolina to own a home because I knew we could handle it. We chose to start a family with Gabrielle because I knew we could handle it. We also put her in daycare because we knew financially we could handle it. Roger and I have also made some other decisions because we knew we could handle it. What we felt we couldn't handle was another child in daycare.
What I'm beginning to realize is that these are all things that we prayed for and the Lord allowed it to come to past with such great ease for us. When I thought it, it happened. The Lord really gave us the desires of our heart. I feel as though the Lord trusted Roger and I with this numerous blessings. Gabrielle, some material and even things that we probably didn't need we asked and the lord provided. I always put my trust in Him, but I'm realizing that if the Lord trusted me with these things, I need to trust him now more than ever. Why I say now more than ever, is because this pregnancy was of course not planned. I felt in the beginning not in control of this situation. Like I said before, if I put myself in it, then I would know how to handle it. When I found out that we were expecting another child, I felt so lost and as if I didn't have a game plan or control of the situation. I mean I stayed with a game plan. I purposly put everything behind me for the holidays to enjoy them. Just beginning to think of how, when and with what money made me physically sick.
For the new year, I didn't scramble things in my mind as I always do. I didn't try to concote some plan for how adding to our family was going to work. I soley relied on the Lord to show me the answers. It wasn't until I took myself out of the equation to realize that I wasn't relying on the Lord fully with our decision making. It was sort of like I was contradicting myself, because I would say that I'm depending on the Lord, but when I didn't have a plan, I felt totally hopeless. But If I was depending on the Lord all along, then I wouldn't have felt totally helpless, (past tense of course). My plans are either not his plans, or they are the plans that God has for me. I so had it planned that we would not try again until Gabrielle was out of school, because that's when we could afford to send the next child there.
Those plans were clearly more beneficial for me, rather than my family as a whole. Things will turn out so much better now that we are adding to our family now rather than later when I'm in my thirties. Just looking down the road, I can see all the negatives that I thought would be the case turning into positives right before my eyes. I will list them if all I didn't want to say is that Gabrielle's brother or sister will be joining her in daycare Sept 2013, after maternity leave is over. We put her name on the sibling list. My big girl will be joining me for maternity leave this summer, but that's a whole other post in itself people.
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